Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
