dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Randomize
