Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
