Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
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