i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
Randomize
