Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Randomize
