Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
