Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
