If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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