there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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