Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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