I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
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