you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
