I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Randomize
