nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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