he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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