In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Randomize