he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
