I think my vagina is haunted
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
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