this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
