some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
