shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
