I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
