i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
Randomize
