Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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