What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Enjoy the penises
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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