Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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