I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Randomize
