You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Randomize
