He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
