you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
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