I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Randomize
