The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
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