I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
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