for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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