I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize