we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Randomize
