You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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