Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I want a musical about memes.
Randomize
