i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
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