We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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