i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Randomize
