Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Randomize