Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Randomize
