On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
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