I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
