i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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