so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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