I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Randomize
