I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
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