ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
