I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
