Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
