I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
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