I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Randomize
