i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Randomize
