I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
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