i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
