well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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