Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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