I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
