I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
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