you would pick up someone in the library
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
this just has baby written all over it
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Randomize
