Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I'm always down for nudity.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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