textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
