But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
