Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
